Dirty
by nrrg
Summary: In love there are fine lines between right and wrong. Or are there even such lines? And if so, who is to say if you've crossed them?


Disclaimer: I currently don't own Gravitation, but I'll let you guys know if I ever do. I also don't own the lyrics below. They belong to the awesomeness that is Fall Out Boy, whose concert I didn't get to see. How unfair. Buy me a ticket, and I'll love you forever. Buy me a ticket, and review, and I'll love you forever times two!

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Edit: I know that the Fall Out Boy concert is long over. That was in late October when I wrote the fic, but do to some procrastination on my part and some trouble with getting this betaed, it is now February.

-We do it in the dark

with smiles on our faces

We're trapped and well concealed

in secret places-

Tucking my legs up, I rest my chin between my knees, letting a soft sigh slip from my lips.

"You're nervous, aren't you?" you ask.

I shake my head.

"That's a lie, you're shaking," is your soft reply, as you pull me into your arms.

I lean into your comforting embrace, and nod. "Yeah… I guess I am."

You stroke my hair with your free hand. "You know, we don't have to do it if you don't want to," you say reassuringly.

"Yeah, I know," I mumble into the fabric of the jeans covering my knees.

"Then what is it then?"

"It's just that…just that…"

"Just that what?"

"It's just that it seems so…wrong," I say finally with some difficulty.

"Wrong? This is wrong?" you say, kissing my forehead.

"Yes, it's wrong, and you know it."

"But that isn't stopping you."

"Me? I'm not doing anything!" I protest. "You're the one making all the advances!"

"But you're not protesting," you murmur into my hair.

I blush, and a shiver runs up my spine.

You laugh softly. "See, I know you like it."

"I never denied that…"

You move your face down to nuzzle my neck, leaving a trail of kisses up from my nape. I close my eyes, a small sound escaping from my mouth. A sound of pleasure.

Hearing that, you give me a proper kiss on the lips. I kiss eagerly back, tangling my fingers in the silky strands of your hair. The bare skin of our chests presses together, sending a jolt of electrifying passion through me. We pull away slowly, and then spring right back together until we're out of breath. I wrap my arms around your neck, holding you close.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" I ask tentatively.

You nod. "Why wouldn't I?"

"Well, you know we may never do this again, that this may not change anything…"

You nod again. "Yes, I know that."

"And you're still sure?"

"Of course."

"But I don't belong to you!"

"You don't _belong_ to anyone," you say, a touch of anger tainting your usually calm voice.

"You know I'll never be yours, but you love me enough to do…this?"

"Yes."

"Doesn't that hurt?" I ask, placing a hand on the spot where your heart is. You cover my hand with yours.

"Not when I'm in your arms it doesn't."

Pain sears in my chest.

"How can you do this to yourself? Why do you do this to yourself? You could have almost anyone, but instead you chose me, the one thing you can't have…"

I'm suddenly filled with anger. My voice is raised, almost frantic. I want you to push me away, to hate me for putting you through this torture. "I do this because I love you, you know that already." Hot tears spring to the corners of my eyes. Tears of anger, guilt, and remorse.

"Why? I'm…I'm dirty. I've been touched by other hands, hands that aren't yours.

Kissed, fucked by someone who isn't you. Loved someone who isn't you. Maybe I still love them… And they're not you: the one who loves me most of all. And don't say you can clean me. I'm dirty, you can never clean me." Hot tears roll down my cheeks.

"You're not dirty, you're beautiful," you say, catching a tear on your fingertip. "You're even beautiful when you cry."

This only makes the tears fall faster. Still holding me, you rock back and forth slowly.

"Sssh, don't cry for me. I can cry my own tears, but I'm not. Look at me. Is there sadness here?"

I look up, my vision blurred by tears. I see kind eyes filled with warmth and love. You brush the tears away, and smile. Leaning down, you kiss me softly on the lips. I taste salt, and realize that it's from my own tears. Kissing the remaining tears from below my eyes, you cradle me in your arms like a small child. I snuggle closer to your warmth.

"I…I don't want to do this to you," I whisper between sniffs.

"Sssh, we're not going to do anything."

"But I thought that…"

"No. Not with you crying like this we're not," you say, shifting so you can hold me even tighter.

"But what about…you know…" I trail off, for some reason too embarrassed to finish a sentence I would usually have no trouble saying.

"We can do that anytime."

"But tonight was perfect!"

"There will be other equally perfect nights."

"But what if I don't come back to you? Then you will have lost your chance forever."

"You'll be back, I know you will," you reply, kissing my forehead. Your lips are warm and smooth.

"Yeah…you're right," I admit, wishing you'd kiss me again.

"I know."

"So you're not mad?"

"Not at all."

"Well, you know there's still time if you want to…" I say, wiping what moisture is left from below my eyes.

"Do _you_ want to? Do you want me enough to do that?"

"Yes."

"Do you _love_ me enough to do that?" you ask, your eyes awaiting an answer. They look almost scared.

"Yes," I murmur softly. Something that looks like relief spreads across your face, smoothing out your features.

"Really?" you whisper, pushing me gently down onto the bed.

"Really."

"Are you ready now?"

"Yes."

"Are you nervous?"

I nod, not trusting my voice to form words at this moment.

"Good. I am too," you say kissing the top of my head.

"Mmm…"

oOoOoOo

Silver moonlight gleams through the apartment window, illuminating our bodies. Our bare skin glitters with a faint sheen of sweat. Perhaps, in the dark, it might seem like we're one instead of two, the way our figures fit together so perfectly. Not in a tangled, messy way like they were earlier, but like two puzzle pieces. The air around us is thick and heavy, intoxicating almost. As if my head isn't already spinning pleasantly from all the sensations I've just experienced. I feel drunk on emotion. I don't want to forget this night. No, I don't just want it to slip away. I feel you shift beside me, reminding me that you're still awake. Reaching my hand backwards, I gently brush my hand against your slightly damp skin. Your fingers entwine in mine.

"I thought you were asleep."

"Oh! Sorry, did I startle you?"

"No. No need to apologize." You turn me around in your arms so that we're facing each other.

I bury my face in the crook of your shoulder.

"You were…amazing," you murmur.

I laugh, but it comes out sounding more like a cough. Has it really been that long since I laughed?

"Yeah right, you did all the work!"

"Mmm. Well I enjoyed it."

"I know," I say, then in a shy whisper as if someone might hear, "Me too."

"I'm glad." You kiss me ever so softly, like a pair of butterfly wings skimming across my lips.

I close my eyes, snuggling into your warm embrace. You run your fingers through my hair lazily. The muzziness of sleep is clouding my brain, making it hard to think. I struggle to stay awake. I have to. I can already feel the darkness of the night beginning to slip away, morphing into the pale blues and peaches of the morning. But I don't stand a chance of staying awake nestled in your arms. I'm so comfy here. I'm safe too, at least for the last remaining hours of the night.

I feel something wet touch my ear, followed by a pair of lips. A tiny moan of arousal escapes my throat. You whisper a name softly to me. My name. It sounds so beautiful when you say it. Like I'm someone special.

"Shuichi." It's not a question. An answer maybe, though to what I don't know.

"Hai?"

"I love you"

"Mmm, I know. Can you keep holding me like this?"

"All night."

"Yeah, and all morning too," I say wistfully.

"I wish," you sigh.

"Me too."

"And Hiro?"

"Hai?"

"I love you too."

We kiss, tongues gently weaving past swollen lips into eager mouths, unclothed bodies pressing sensuously against each other. It feels like…like heaven, except there's nothing holy about it. Maybe it's because it's forbidden that it tastes so sweet…

Onwari

A/N: Well, what'd you think? Did you guess who it was? Probably if you've read any of my other stories or even read my profile you knew it was Hiro and Shu-chan. Those naughty boys. I love them so. The idea came to me rather randomly, but I think I'm almost pleased with it. It's a nice change from "Wakey, Wakey". Oh, and in case you didn't know, muzziness is actually a word. You probably already knew that though, but I didn't and neither did spell check. Reviews will be treasured like strawberry Pocky! Ja ne minna!

Another note: This may be one of the last things I post on here. I've been seriously blocked for months, and I don't think I'm going to get any new ideas or show any interest in any of my old ones. I love writing fan fiction, but I'm starting to move on to more of my own writing using characters of my own. If I indeed ever work up the nerve to post any of my own work, it will be on deviantArt. PM me if you'd like my account name. Much love and regrets to any fans (if there are any). Happy almost-Valentine's Day everyone!

-nrrg


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